The auction has started. Each lot is displayed to the potential buyers. At Sotheby’s et al the items are held up by auctioneer’s assistants, no doubt as part of their apprenticeship and training for the day when they themselves can wield the hammer. Here at the mart the lots are offered up by a delightful array of men in boiler suits whose normal day involves the shunting of bullocks and manhandling of ewes. Two lads in drag a sofa. What number, boys? asks the lovely Robbie. Lot 328.
I glance down at my list – I’ve noted down the numbers of about 40 lots but heaven help me if I buy all of them. Some I have listed just out of curiosity – the Orkney chairs fall into this category as I have no chance of ever being able to afford one. Brand new they can cost about £1000 or more, and the old ones with the arms worn shiny still fetch abut £500 to £700. I went to a straw-work class a couple of years ago to learn how to make the traditional chair backs, and produced several misshapen baskets, eventually working up to a laundry basket which graces our bathroom to this day, minus a lid which I never finished. To make an Orkney chair I need a wooden frame, preferably made out of driftwood (for authenticity). Cue woodworking classes next year.
More realistically, my list of lots includes several yummy boxes of books. I don’t need any more books, that’s for sure. I have no space for the ones I already have…..but Oh! Here’s a box of 1970s Fontana Agatha Christies with those surreal covers. And over here, a huge leather-bound family bible with enormous metal clasps beside a well-thumbed Robert Burns. I am convinced that whatever their status in life, every single house in Orkney had a copy of the bible and the works of Robbie – the Orcadian Desert Island books instead of the bible and Shakespeare? I once got a 1930s hardback set of the complete works of Charles Dickens – my favourite writer – for one single solitary pound. I was just about weeping for joy. This time around there are also some very tasty 18th century volumes, which I am happy to say are now gracing the top of the piano.
A lot of 5 boxes is heaved up. Dishes, plates that have been wall-mounted in wire springs (a big no-no according to the Antiques Roadshow). A man in a boiler suit holds up a saucer with barely concealed ennui. He puts it back, sighs, and plucks out a vase, which he points one way while studiously looking the other, as if to try and distance himself from such embarrassment. The lot does not sell, even for a pound, so it is put in with the next lot, which is a dog basket and an electric radiator. What always breaks my heart is the appearance of large, wooden farmhouse-type furniture. I suppose many people don’t have rooms big enough to accommodate large items, but it makes me sad when these pieces go for very little. By feeling sorry for the furniture (surely there has to be a support group for this sort of thing) I have accrued several huge dining room tables, innumerable unmatching chairs, a pedal organ and a couple of bedside cabinets simply because I felt they were going too cheaply. You can probably tell what’s coming next.
They bring out the ship in the glass case. We don’t need it. We’ve nowhere to put it. The bidding starts very slowly and edges its way up to a whole £10.00 and then grinds to a halt. The auctioneer’s pencil is poised…..I look at my husband and he looks at me and I say, ‘Surely it can’t go that cheap!’ So he sticks his hand up and gets it for £12.00. The masts have woodworm! I have since discovered that it was made about 50 years ago in Eday by a man who was laid up after an illness and needed something to pass the time.
Before I finish on the subject of the mart auctions, let me spread the word about the mart café, which is quite magnificent and is staffed by very jolly ladies. I hope to see you all there at the next auction, which is on Thursday 29 January. And I have just discovered that they have their own website!
http://www.orkneymart.co.uk/enter.html
